Rating: 4.0

Country: Finland

Genre: Black Metal

Record Label: Blasphemous Underground

Release Date: 2007

Track list:
1. Sacrilegious Impalement
2. Infinite Darkness
3. Prophet of Misantrophy
4. Eternal Agonies

Total playing time 25:39

Band Website: Sacrilegious Impalement

Sacrilegious Impalement - Self Titled EP

Impaler V.B - Guitar
Asassin - Session Drums
Kaosbringer - Vocals, Bass

Upon numerous listens to this four song affair I'm reminded more and more of all the low budget 70's VHS pornos I used to sneak out of my Dad's closet when I was a kid. Y'know the ones I'm talking about; productions that cost even less than a Wal-mart employee's annual salary to make and contain the sort of plain, drab scenery that makes you wonder if the entire movie was shot inside of a college film major's parents' basement while someone was doing laundry nearby perhaps. Further despite all the generous array of close up shots of impressive genitalia and penetration shots somehow the stiff (pun intended) performances of the "actors" involved and unintentionally humorous dialog just ruins the moment for ya. Even worse is the fact that these people were so poorly paid and convinced to perform in the first place that you're even lucky if the females were frisky enough to do anything daring or creative beyond the usual oral or doggie style positions so chances are you experiencing anything beyond a semi-erection are as considerably low as say, John McCain remembering where he last left his car keys. Indeed that's the closest analogy I can come up with to describe my ho hum impression of this Finnish Black Metal band. In a nutshell, Sacrilegious Impalement basically adheres to the strict and rigid principles of orthodox Scandinavian Black Metal that unabashedly celebrates the archaic spirit of '94 the same way that southern bible thumping, rifle toting, 'nigger!' hating rednecks still seem to celebrate the long defunct and primitive ideals of the confederate flag. Immediately reference points such as Dark Funeral, Merrimack, Marduk, and 1349 easily come to mind and should you already be familiar with said acts then you already know what to expect. Thus like the 70's porno analogy I illustrated before you, the entire performance is riddled with such cliche moments of expression that in the end this entire ep serves as nothing more than a unintentional parody of the genre.

In all fairness, the first song and title track does exhibit a fair amount of potential before it all goes downhill. Thrashy Nifelheim-ish riffs and tempos are dealt out at an unrelenting pace like suppressing machine gun fire swarming the bloodstained beaches of Normandy which are nicely juxtaposed with occasional strains of fuzzy, spacious, psychedelic melodies that instantly recall the greatness of Sweden's Craft. With it's raging sense of urgency, maniacal fury and blood pumping intensity the song easily stands out as the disc's strongest moment. Then there's the second song, "Infinite Darkness" with its midpaced Celtic Frostian rock n' roll dirge and the empowering thump-like war beats which easily gets the head nodding and toes tapping. Here the band tends to concentrate on more memorable, anthemic hooks that to these ears comes across as a more corpse painted, Norse inspired Manowar. Folky bass lines are laid down and provide a nice medieval flair to the overall ambiance of the piece. Unfortunately, that's where the band's finest moments end for the latter two songs are nothing more than filler and tend to sound like the most uninspired and rehashed moments of a Dark Funeral album. In fact, the DF worship here is so blatant you could practically spot their musical mentors' fecal matter right on their noses. Nothing but heavy reliance of tremolo picking, and a stiff drum performance that instantly assures you that whoever was behind the kit isn't going to be added to many Jazz musicians' black books anytime soon. In fact, listening to the drummer's constant one note riffing eerily brings the rudimentary stylings of White Stripes' Meg White to mind. A word of advice, sack the drummer and give 1349's Frost a call.

The production at the very least is plausible. Whereas bands of this caliber unusually opt for the trademark murky, muddy Xasthur school of recording type of sound here thankfully, this is not the case. The snare, toms, and cymbals are all given a monstrously thunderous resonance that recalls Mayhem's breathrough opus, De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Even the bass is given its own prominent voice which strangely enough lends a soothingly warm tone to the proceedings like a beacon of hope amidst a cataclysmic tempest.

Honestly, had this turned out to be a full length rather than a mere ep chances are my score would have been much lower. Perhaps because by the third song I already found my mind and attention span wandering like as if I was in some THC induced stupor. Sadly, the potential for greatness is there but in order to achieve any sustaining longevity these dudes need to learn the term 'dynamics' and how it can greatly benefit songwriting. Granted dudes in Mexico will most likely eat this shit up like its fresh STD free pussy. Otherwise I'll gladly pass.

September 21st, 2008